Thursday, May 22, 2008

Hearts that Ache

My heart has been incredibly heavy this morning as I have thought and prayed for the Chapman Family. I have wondered why I ache so much for someone who I have never met yet I am overwhelming connected to the pain that they must be feeling at this moment. As I have gone before the Lord this morning as so many others are doing I have been taken back to those days right after we lost our Connor. They were dark days filled with confusion and pain that cannot be expressed by words. I have never shared that we lost our Connor to a tragic accident which occurred while I was home alone. When tragedy strikes and a life is lost I believe that the "whys" are multiplied. One longs to make sense of something that cannot be explained and you cry out in sheer agony to God to help you understand. The emptiness engulfs you and you really wonder will you ever find joy again. Will mourning ever be replaced with gladness? You re-live the horrific moments over and over thinking about all the things that you could have done to prevent the accident from happening. You hopelessly cling to every sight, sound, touch and smell. It is a journey that no one should have to take yet so many godly parents have walked this road. It is a road that never comes to an end although it does get less mountainous and much less rocky and many times we just have to climb into the arms of our Savior and let him carry us. When you allow HIM to carry you, you come to know Him intimately...you hear His heart beat, you feel His love and His comfort overwhelms you. I grieve today for the Chapman's loss of Maria, I hurt for their son and I pray today that arms of our Savior are holding them at this moment.
I miss my Connor today. I so long to be able to run my fingers through his soft hair, to feel his sweet touch upon my face, to hold his floppy little body in my arms and to simply get lost in his deep eyes. I miss the joy that he brought into my days and the way that he made me feel so special. To miss Connor is good...sure it brings sadness but it also reminds me of just how precious my time with him was. I pray that each and every memory of sweet Maria Sue Chapman will be so vivid in the minds of her mommy and daddy and family right now.
The Gift of Connor
The precious gift you were
Transforming our life
Giving us happiness
To lessen the strife
Your light burned bright
For all to see
Illuminating the joy
Sometimes hidden from me
Your eyes beamed with love
Drawing us close
with a glance or a gaze
It was peace you brought most
Your smile radiated joy
Infectious was your laugh
Brightening every day
It was a happiness bath
You gave us so much
Memories now in our heart
We will treasure them forever
For they will never depart
written by Nichole, November 2003

2 comments:

Becki party of 5 said...

Nichole,my heart just aches today along with yours. Your words brought some encouragement to my soul, that I needed to hear.
Thank you sister.
Love and Blessings,
Becki

Shelley said...

Hi Nichole,
You and your family have been in my thoughts these last few days since learning of Maria Sue's passing. I told David that I could not even begin to imagine what the Chapman's were experiencing right now, but the Minot family knows!
I would like to think that Conner was standing there waiting on Maria as she came to see her Savior!!!
As Becki said, "your words brought some needed encouragement to my soul" But then, you always rise to whatever meets you on the road with such grace and dignity!!!
In HIS Mighty Grip
Shelley